Bleach: The Blood Chapter

The year was 1975. The Watergate Scandal is in the air. Space Mountain just opened in Disney World. And best of all, the Nintendo Switch has just released. And while everyone was contemplating the best Waluigi-related method of torturing Masahiro Sakurai, I was pondering what kind of anime-related experiences this new console could provide. As everyone on my DeviantArt can attest, I am a ginormous anime fan. I'm such a big fan that I currently keep my grandparents' ashes inside a replica Pot of Greed. As such, when any anime-related game comes out, I'm usually first in line at the local Gamestop to get my hands on it.

My favorite anime of all, of course, is Bleach. From the fights to the different arcs, I love every second of every minute of it. I'll also proudly admit that I am the owner of the world's only existing Shaz Domino body pillow. My favorite character is Kisuke Urahara, and I've already fought seven people on the side of the street who thought otherwise.

So one day, I was going down the street, skipping to my loo, when I came across a yard sale. There, I came across an old man selling games at a wooden stand. While sifting through some useless junk, like all the Mario and Zelda kiddie shit, I came across something...intriguing. It was a Nintendo Switch game box, but what was odd was that it had the Sonic the Hedgehog 2 box art. Even more odd, was that the game's title had been written over in what looked to be blood. It said "Bleach". Excited at the prospect of a Bleach-related game for the Switch, I asked the old man about it. He said it used to belong to his grandson, but that he was gone now. Something about being "hunted down and devoured". Sympathetic to his plight, I proceeded to do what any fully grown teenaged boy would do.

I proceeded to deck the old man in his stinky face, taking the game as he collapsed in agony. I immediately ran home, blowing past my dad and my babysitter who were both naked for some reason. I dashed into my room and shut the door, breaking off the big smelly handle in my haste. When I opened the game box, a note fell out. It looked hastily written. The note read as follows:

"To whomever it may concern, I'm writing to warn you that this game has destroyed my life. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even watch my parents make out without feeling like I'm being watched. He's after me, and if you play this game he'll come after you too. I tried burning it, crushing it, shitting on it, nothing works. So now I expect you, a complete stranger, to come up with a way to destroy it. But just that, destroy it. Please, for the love of all that is good in the universe, DO NOT PLAY IT! Don't even give a thought to playing it. It's too late for me. I can already feel his cold gaze on me. My life is over. Don't make the same mistake I did. Please, just destroy it before he finds out.

                                           With love, Derek"

I was flabbergasted. But before I could react, I noticed that more letters were being written in bloody red:

"Ignore everything you just read.

                    With love, the Not-Demon that's totally not haunting this game"

"Welp, that's all the convincing I need!", I said to no one in particular. I crumpled up the note and threw it in the garbage. What was weird was, as it fell in, it almost sounded like an anguished moan came from the note. Shrugging it off, I proceeded to plug the game into my console.

When the title screen appeared, I was surprised. True to the box cover, it appeared to be almost identical to the Sonic 2 title screen, but instead of Sonic and Tails popping up, it was...Ichigo and Rukia from Bleach! And instead of "Sega 1992" on the bottom, it read "Viz Media 1975". I was amazed. Was this really an official Bleach game? Why did it look so much like a Sonic game? Choosing to ignore the questions as soon as I posed them, I pressed the Start button. After doing so, however, I noticed that for a split second, the title screen turned into something rather unsettling. Though it was only on-screen for approximately four-tenths of a second, I could recall it down to the smallest detail. The sky grew dark. The water had turned red, almost like blood. Ichigo's eyes had darkened, and were leaking a red liquid one might assume at first glance was blood. Rukia's face completely disappeared. And worst of all, the "Viz Media 1975" had changed to "Viz Media 666".

I said to myself, "Eh, must be a glitch." and proceeded to the next screen, which appeared after 17.8 seconds. When it appeared, it looked just like the cover of "Uncanny X-Men #141", the Days of Future Past issue where all the X-Men were shown as dead or apprehended. Only, there were Bleach characters there instead. Almost all the Captains, Arrancar, Quincies, even humans were listed as "Slain", except for one: Kisuke Urahara, who didn't have any listing on him. What was really strange, was that there was no Ichigo. He was on the title screen and he's the main character, why wouldn't Ichigo be available? It was at this point that I started to wonder if there was something amiss...then upon seeing Urahara, I stopped wondering and clicked on his character portrait. Upon clicking the portrait, a voiceclip of Dormammu saying "You have come to die" from the Dr. Strange movie played. Shrugging it off, I proceeded.

After about 25.1527 seconds, a surprisingly well-made sprite of Urahara appeared in what looked to be Karakura Town. Figuring that it must follow the same controls as Sonic 2, I moved Urahara to the right. Miraculously, he did so. As I moved along, things started to get a bit odd. The bodies of human characters were hanging from trees with numerous horrifying wounds across them that looked shockingly realistic. Almost...hyper-realistic. And across the side of one building, written in similarly hyper-realistic blood, was the phrase "Enjoying the scenery?" It was at this point that I finally realized: I'd left the water running before I left the house! I ran to my bathroom, stepping over my dad and babysitter as they hugged on the floor and turned off the faucet. With that crisis averted, I went back to my room and resumed playing.

When I reached the end of the level, I saw something that startled me: Ichigo was standing there, with his back turned. I moved to approach him. As I moved in close enough to touch him, he suddenly turned around. He was wearing his Hollow mask, and he lunged at Urahara. The screen turned black, and as I jumped, I heard a loud crunching noise. That's when I realized...that I was sitting on top of one of my Yuri on Ice figurines! Dammit, my sister must've come in here and messed with them again. When I get the chance I'm sticking her in the garbage can. In any case, I went back to the game.

The screen was still black, but now had a bloody message: "This better not stain my wall!" After about 0.003^4 seconds, it returned to the title screen. The word "Slain" was now written over Urahara's face. Upon returning to this screen, Tidus' laugh from Final Fantasy X was playing, and after (7 + 8)^3 seconds passed, the screen cut to blood red static. Then, an image appeared. It was Ichigo's bloody face again, and he looked so realistic, like you could actually point out the individual hairs on his head. There was a message written over his head, in bloody text:


I screamed at a higher pitch than I ever had as Ichigo lunged out of the TV screen into my room. I busted down my smelly door and ran out into the living room. Ichigo gave chase. I ran over my dad and babysitter who were still on the floor. As my babysitter got up, her chesticles bared themselves. Ichigo looked on in horror. "NOOOOO, my one true weakness!" he yelled. He writhed around in pain, contorting into disgusting shapes before finally exploding in a cascade of blood. Ecstatic, I immediately ran to my room and threw my expensive game console into the fireplace, finally ridding myself of the cursed game. And so it was that we all lived happily ever after.

Well, for the most part. Soon after that my dad divorced my mom and married my babysitter, proceeding to have 7 children and 12 cats. Who could've seen that coming?